impressive

I have the very useless skill of making my own life a misery. And even though I am aware of this special skill, I keep doing it. Quite impressive how slow I can be at learning certain lessons.

I feel responsible to solve other people's problems. Now, this might sound noble to you. But it isn't really. When faced with problems that I simply do not know how to solve or when solving those problems includes things that I find uncomfortable, I get annoyed. Instead of realizing and allowing myself to simply distance myself, I also feel obliged and guilty when not doing the stuff that makes me feel uncomfortable. Which basically means I feel crap either way. Either because of guilt for NOT doing it or for doing it.

Today, I was also wondering whether in all of this is also the wish that somebody else would take of some of the things in my life I don't like to do (and yes, I am totally aware that I have been lucky many, many times and had people help me! Which only adds to feeling guilty when not helping others myself...).

And lastly, I judge myself for feeling uncomfortable and thus trying to avoid doing certain things. A voice in my head screams at me: nobody else in this universe would make a fuss about this. GROW UP! So, it becomes a well known vicious circle of feeling shit about feeling shit etc. When people then feel sorry for me and tell me it's ok NOT to help, it makes me even angrier. And no, there's no logic in that whatsoever.

*pointless rant over*